Forgiveness...

After Caux and the declaration I made below, I felt like a huge burden was off my shoulders. I had decided to forgive my dad, and once the mental decision had been made I felt that it was only a matter of time before I would actually follow through with that decision.

I was wrong. I got to Trinidad and Tobago on the 25^th of July, but for the first two weeks, I really felt that I could not go through with it. How would he react? Would I be able to forgive him? Did I really want to re-establish my relationship with him? I went through a period of questioning and reanalyzing who I was and the lessons I had learned in life and Alhamudillah (Thank God) the analysis led me to the same decision I had made the first time.

With the help and motivation of a good friend, AV, I continued on my path- to follow through with my Caux intention. Something he said in advising me on my relationship with my dad stuck with me and I’ll share this with you, the reader, because I truly believe that they are words of wisdom that all people can live by, “open your heart and be brave.” It sounds so simple, but yet it is extremely difficult. Opening one’s heart is a grave task, for it means that you are opening yourself to extreme risks.

I waited until the right moment, when I felt that God was calling me to pick up the phone and call my dad… and I just did it. No turning back… I faced the evil which had haunted me for the past twelve years. As fate would have it, my dad answered the phone and was pleasantly surprised to hear my voice. He talked for over half an hour about family affairs and then I just said, “Dad… for everything that you’ve ever done wrong I forgive you… for all of it.” He immediately replied “Allah (God) has truly blessed us both. I’ve waited for this moment patiently for a very long time, Asiya.”

I forgave him and allowed him the space to reestablish his relationship with me. I was scared, I had no idea how to recommence a relationship with him, but I knew that God would guide us. Every couple days we would call each other and just talk- first about the Olympics (my dad’s a big sports fan!), then about the changing international political system and nuclear proliferation (he’s also a big IR buff, even if he never studied IR), and then just about us…. who I was as a younger girl and who I had become as a young woman.

Today, I left for Cyprus. I know that our road is not an easy one... but a famous saying says that a long journey starts with one step and we’ve started. I also know that he’ll make mistakes again, get angry again, and perhaps there’s the chance that he will repeat what happened twelve years ago. The difference now is that I’m willing to take the risk and to give him a second chance. Maybe he’ll surprise me…. maybe he won’t. But after all, he is my father, and in so many ways, I’ve been influenced by his thought.

I’m so happy I’ve forgiven him. People often confuse the words forgive and forget. I more than likely will never forget what happened and how hurt I was, but I can forgive. I forgave him for me… not for him… but for me… because I needed to move on in my own life. I could no longer continue to be ruled by the past. For memory, after all is subjective. Maurice Halbwachs, a famous sociologist, argued many decades ago that memory was collective instead of individual and continuous instead of disparate. I totally agree with him… and I refuse to live the present because of the past.

So goodbye hatred and fear… and welcome love and forgiveness! It felt like I jumped off a cliff that morning at Caux… but angels walked with me. Alhamdudillah…. And thanks so much for all the wonderful people who helped me through this journey- JB, ML, KA, RR, DR, CA, AV, MB. And many thanks to the Man above… who sent all these wonderful people into my life to inspire me to change my own life before I change the world :)

Perspectives

During the Caux conference, "Addressing the Root Causes of Human Insecurity," I was asked by colleagues to speak during perspectives (a 15 minute time period allotted each morning for participants to address the entire conference.) I knew what I needed to say but I really felt like I was walking off a cliff when I read this in front of 400 people at my conference. Allah (God) walked with me... and my friends were there at my side. Many, many thanks to RR, ML, and JB for all their support and encouragement.

"The past four days of this Human Security conference have changed my life in ways that I can barely describe and for this I thank every one of you tremendously. I’ve had the opportunity to meet truly amazing people and I’ve been deeply touched by your stories of courage, honesty and forgiveness in the face of hatred, genocide and fear. Specifically, I want to say thank you to Mark bin Bakar, John Bond, and Tom Getman for sharing their personal stories of the role of forgiveness and apology in finding inner peace.

You have given me the courage to stand here and share my own story with you. My parents have been divorced since I was thirteen years old and it greatly changed my life. I always blamed myself for what happened and my world fell to pieces around me when my dad left. Somehow, with the help of my mom and my family, I managed to pick up the pieces and move on with the new awareness that my dad would no longer be a part of my life. He had always believed in me, embodied my hopes and dreams and challenged me to be a better person and just like that he was gone. The divorce became final and my life changed forever.

I’ve held unto this hurt and pain for the past 12 years and I have very rarely shared my personal story with anyone. Two years ago, my dad called me for the very first time, in ten years. I had no idea what to say to him and even though I still love him I knew I could not let him be a part of my life again.

Since the beginning of this conference I’ve been extremely engaged and challenged by most of the speakers here, and I have learned a great deal from your courage, idealism and hope. Initiatives of Change has taught me that before I can change the world, I must change myself. After this conference, I fly home and I have decided to forgive my dad and set myself free."