Forgiveness...

After Caux and the declaration I made below, I felt like a huge burden was off my shoulders. I had decided to forgive my dad, and once the mental decision had been made I felt that it was only a matter of time before I would actually follow through with that decision.

I was wrong. I got to Trinidad and Tobago on the 25^th of July, but for the first two weeks, I really felt that I could not go through with it. How would he react? Would I be able to forgive him? Did I really want to re-establish my relationship with him? I went through a period of questioning and reanalyzing who I was and the lessons I had learned in life and Alhamudillah (Thank God) the analysis led me to the same decision I had made the first time.

With the help and motivation of a good friend, AV, I continued on my path- to follow through with my Caux intention. Something he said in advising me on my relationship with my dad stuck with me and I’ll share this with you, the reader, because I truly believe that they are words of wisdom that all people can live by, “open your heart and be brave.” It sounds so simple, but yet it is extremely difficult. Opening one’s heart is a grave task, for it means that you are opening yourself to extreme risks.

I waited until the right moment, when I felt that God was calling me to pick up the phone and call my dad… and I just did it. No turning back… I faced the evil which had haunted me for the past twelve years. As fate would have it, my dad answered the phone and was pleasantly surprised to hear my voice. He talked for over half an hour about family affairs and then I just said, “Dad… for everything that you’ve ever done wrong I forgive you… for all of it.” He immediately replied “Allah (God) has truly blessed us both. I’ve waited for this moment patiently for a very long time, Asiya.”

I forgave him and allowed him the space to reestablish his relationship with me. I was scared, I had no idea how to recommence a relationship with him, but I knew that God would guide us. Every couple days we would call each other and just talk- first about the Olympics (my dad’s a big sports fan!), then about the changing international political system and nuclear proliferation (he’s also a big IR buff, even if he never studied IR), and then just about us…. who I was as a younger girl and who I had become as a young woman.

Today, I left for Cyprus. I know that our road is not an easy one... but a famous saying says that a long journey starts with one step and we’ve started. I also know that he’ll make mistakes again, get angry again, and perhaps there’s the chance that he will repeat what happened twelve years ago. The difference now is that I’m willing to take the risk and to give him a second chance. Maybe he’ll surprise me…. maybe he won’t. But after all, he is my father, and in so many ways, I’ve been influenced by his thought.

I’m so happy I’ve forgiven him. People often confuse the words forgive and forget. I more than likely will never forget what happened and how hurt I was, but I can forgive. I forgave him for me… not for him… but for me… because I needed to move on in my own life. I could no longer continue to be ruled by the past. For memory, after all is subjective. Maurice Halbwachs, a famous sociologist, argued many decades ago that memory was collective instead of individual and continuous instead of disparate. I totally agree with him… and I refuse to live the present because of the past.

So goodbye hatred and fear… and welcome love and forgiveness! It felt like I jumped off a cliff that morning at Caux… but angels walked with me. Alhamdudillah…. And thanks so much for all the wonderful people who helped me through this journey- JB, ML, KA, RR, DR, CA, AV, MB. And many thanks to the Man above… who sent all these wonderful people into my life to inspire me to change my own life before I change the world :)